Benemma

A FIELD REPORT FROM THE FRONT-LINE OF GASTRIC WARFARE

#001
TIME: Early morning, Sunday 20 September
LOCATION: New Delhi, India
REPORT: DELHI BELLY STRIKES – Emma Regiment (henceforth referred to as “E. Regt.”) was attacked unexpectedly from behind. E. Regt. was out of action for the course of the day ahead of start of manoeuvres to Nepal at 19:50 that evening. During manoeuvres, B.Regt. received reports of heavy ordnance being moving nearby and prepared for battle by issuing appropriate pharmaceutical weaponry.

#002
TIME: Midday, Tues 22 September
LOCATION: Pokhara, Nepal
REPORT: ALL QUIET ON THE GASTRIC FRONT – After an impressive show of guts, both E and B Regt. reported a victorious end to engagements.

#003
TIME: Just after officers’ mess, Monday 28 September
LOCATION: Lama Lodge, Royal Chitwan National Park, Nepal
REPORT: BATTLE ENDURES – E. Regt. reported a concentrated attack against its bowel flank. A full retreat to HQ was successfully carried out, with the enemy in close pursuit. Small engagements were reported at regular intervals, continuing throughout the next day.

#004
TIME: Dead of night, Tuesday 29 September
LOCATION: Lama Lodge, Royal Chitwan National Park, Nepal
REPORT: EMMA UNDER HEAVY FIRE – Three night-time assaults hampered E. Regt’s improvement. Reports were received of explosions at the rear, use of chemical weaponry, and warning shots at the head of the regiment.

#005
TIME: Morning, Wednesday 30 September
LOCATION: Freak St., Kathmandu, Nepal
REPORT: SURPRISE ATTACKS ON EMMA – Guerrilla-style cramp assaults were reported all over E.Regt., combined with continued frequent use of explosives at the rear. Reinforcements of H20 and Rehydration Salt Grenades arrived regularly throughout the engagement. At this point, the regiment had been unable to receive food drops for nearly two days. Supplies and morale were dangerously low.

#006
TIME: Midday, Friday 02 October
LOCATION: MANOUEVRES, EN-ROUTE FROM KATHMANDU TO POKHARA, NEPAL
REPORT: SITUATION POSSIBLY IMPROVING – After repeated serious engagements and constant minor attacks, battle reached its zenith mid-afternoon Thursday with a surprise assault from the enemy while E. Regt. was still clothed and unprepared. Eventually, the first solid movements were achieved. However, discomfort was still considerable and supplies were close to total depletion.

#007
TIME: The Darkest Hours of Night, Monday 5 October
LOCATION: A Couple of Hours’ Drive East of the Mahendranagar Border Crossing, Nepal
REPORT: E REGT. SUFFERS DAMAGE – Harried by recurring ambushes, E. Regt. lost its footing while attempting to return fire on the enemy, in a dark roadside recess en-route to India. Damage, fortunately, was superficial and all hands held fast.

#008
TIME: Lunchtime, Wednesday 7 October
LOCATION: Naini Tal hill station, India
REPORT: SITUATION IMPROVING – Intelligence showed that enemy forces had been receiving considerable support from certain secret factions (“ladies’ business – associated with the cycles of the moon”, it was said). With this new information, E. Regt. closed its ranks and barricaded itself for a well-earned rest period at temporary HQ in the Indian Himalayas. Soon, solid ordnance was reported from the much-suffering Rear Section. Rejoicing has begun, though premature, in expectence of an imminent victory for the allies. Hurrah!

– UPDATE TO LOG #007 –
BREAKING INFORMATION: Vital enemy charts have been returned to allied intelligence offices by spies in the field. These clearly show the division of enemy armaments. This morning at Downing Street, the Prime Minister commented on this latest development, saying, “these charts provide a telling insight into what we are dealing with. Now we know that our greatest challenge is to knock-out the enemy’s lethal No. 7 guns”.

And here is a first-look at one of said charts…

#009
TIME: Lunchtime, Thursday 22 October
LOCATION: Jaipur, Rajasthan, India
REPORT: BRIEF ENGAGEMENTS AT A CLOSE – It appears that E. Regt. is particularly vulnerable during manoeuvres. High Command recommends greater protection during such times. The regt. recently passed through Delhi en-route to Agra but was assaulted unexpectedly. The engagement was quickly run – lasting about 48 hours – but served yet again to dampen morale amongst the troops and cause much argument amongst top-brass as to how the regt. could be better prepared.

#010
TIME: Dawn, Wednesday 28 October
LOCATION: Udaipur, Rajasthan, India
REPORT: NEVER ANY REST FOR E. REGT. – Yet again it seems that the weaker defences of E. Regt. were exposed by enemy forces in another attack. This time it was standard stuff, two days of sporadic explosions and evasive manoeuvres, before firing ceased. It seems that while B. Regt. has suffered little, E. Regt. must put up with frequent lapses into battle.